don't know what's up. i still don't kow what i'm doing with anything, which is pretty annoying.
why am i doing the strip? is it because i enjoy it? probably not, i pretty much loathe all the different aspects of it's creation. it's like every step i perform i think to myself "god, i hate writing/pencilling/inking/coloring! i wish i wasn't doing this part of the strip so i'd be doing a better part" but there is no better part. the only good part is when it's over, because i have something awesome to read, and i did it. so is that worth it? like if i hate the process but love the product, should i keep creating? does that mean that i need to find a different output? one that isn't so demanding?
no. it's pretty obvious that the reason i'm so pleased with the comics is that they are so much work. if i just wrote in a blog instead i'd read it and think of how much more interesting, and how much more wide appeal and aesthetic originality it would have if i'd taken the time to illustrate it. dammit.
and what of the readership? do i need them? would i keep investing 3+ hours a night in this if it was only me that would be reading them? if it weren't for the internet, would i have ever even picked up a pencil and tried it with the paper? maybe... probably not, if only because all my creative inspiration came from internet comics, from other people brave enough to draw their lives for us, from other people who showed us all how powerfull a creative tool the internet can be. maybe the fact that the internet was a catalyst for my motivation isn't all that bad. probably.
but do i need them? am i an egomaniac who just wants people to read and think about me? who just wants to feel interesting and uses the comicblog as a way of insuring it? could i ever even write about anything other than myself? i'm seriously considering the nazi-comicjournal idea. does that point out a fatal flaw in me? i was inspired by the journal comics to start drawing, though i read all kinds of styles and genres, that was the one that made me try and the one that i chose. so am i doomed to stay with it? will i ever break free of my roots?
fuck, i hope so.
i am so fucking sick of death cab for cutie. christ, shut the fuck up.
i'm gonna go finish the comic on the drawing table. i needs to be finished tonight, if i'm gonna play this "whever i can" game i have to really try. i can't slack off, i have no book, i have no talent. this is all i have, if i let it slip i'll just be some guy who used to do a webcomic, christ that's depressing.
y'know, that last sentence proved it. i need it. it makes me feel interesting. when i go to a bar with my friends i know that i am special, that there's people who i barely know who know everything about me, and i guess i get off on that, like being a tiny celebrity.
that just might be more depressing. am i so empty that i need a webcomic to feel special?
y'know, i'm not sure that we're working out. maybe we should take a break.
posted by Jer Clarke at 01:19
